Boundaries in Real Life
The word, “boundaries” is over used and misused … if you ask me ;)
We are haphazardly using the word as we try to understand the role of people in our lives. I would argue, we are trying to understand ourselves and need space from people in order to do so.
I started working on boundaries way back in the day by studying the work of Cloud and Townsend. Their book, “Boundaries” was a real awakening for me. I was raised in the church and taught to give without question. To be of service to others and show grace and empathy frequently. By the time I reached my early 20’s, I was BURNED OUT. In my therapist’s office I said, “It feels like everyone has a string attached to me from all angles. I’m dead-center and they all have a pull.” He replied, “What would you like to do with the strings?” That was an easy answer, “I want to cut them all off.”
That isn’t always possible or healthy. We can’t divorce every relationship in our lives. There will be unique situations when this is necessary because our emotional or physical safety is at risk. But most of the time, it’s about us, what we are learning and how we want to build better connections with others.
Establishing boundaries helps to define our comfort zones, protect our mental and emotional health, and foster mutual respect. Here, we'll explore the importance of setting boundaries, the positive outcomes of having them, and provide tools to facilitate conversations about boundaries.
“Boundaries are where I end and you begin.”
Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries are guidelines that we set to define how we want to be treated and how we will treat others. They are essential for maintaining healthy and respectful relationships. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, or even digital. They help us communicate our needs and expectations clearly, ensuring that we feel safe and respected.
Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor and author, emphasizes the importance of boundaries in her book Daring Greatly: "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."
The Positive Outcomes of Setting Boundaries
Enhanced Self-Respect and Self-Esteem: Setting boundaries demonstrates that you respect yourself and your needs. This self-respect translates into higher self-esteem and a stronger sense of self-worth. When you prioritize your well-being, you send a message to yourself and others that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
Improved Relationships: Boundaries create a framework for healthy interactions. They prevent resentment and misunderstandings by clearly communicating your expectations. Relationships thrive when both parties understand and respect each other's boundaries. This mutual respect leads to more fulfilling and supportive connections.
Reduced Stress and Anxiety: Without boundaries, we may find ourselves overcommitted and overwhelmed. By setting limits, we can protect our time and energy, reducing stress and anxiety. This allows us to focus on what truly matters and engage in activities that nourish us.
Better Conflict Resolution: Boundaries facilitate honest and open communication. When conflicts arise, having clear boundaries helps in addressing issues constructively. It provides a framework for discussing problems without resorting to blame or defensiveness.
Greater Personal Growth: Setting boundaries encourages personal growth and self-awareness. It requires introspection to understand your needs and values. This self-awareness is crucial for making decisions that align with your true self, leading to a more authentic and fulfilling life.
““Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.””
Tools for Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially if you're not accustomed to doing so. Here are some practical tools to help you navigate this process:
1. Self-Reflection
Before setting boundaries, it's important to reflect on your needs and values. Ask yourself what makes you feel comfortable and respected. Consider past experiences where your boundaries were crossed and how it made you feel. Understanding your limits is the first step towards communicating them effectively.
2. Clear Communication
Effective communication is key to setting boundaries. Be clear and specific about your needs and expectations. Use "I" statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," say, "I feel unheard when you interrupt me during conversations."
3. Be Consistent
Consistency is crucial when it comes to boundaries. Once you've set a boundary, stick to it. Inconsistency can lead to confusion and may cause others to disregard your boundaries. Be firm but respectful in enforcing your limits.
4. Learn to Say No
Saying no is an essential part of setting boundaries. It can be difficult, especially if you're a people-pleaser, but it's necessary for protecting your well-being. Remember that saying no doesn't make you selfish; it means you're prioritizing your own needs. Practice saying no in a polite but firm manner.
5. Seek Support
Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially if you're met with resistance. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Having someone to talk to can provide you with the encouragement and perspective you need to maintain your boundaries.
6. Use Assertiveness Techniques
Assertiveness techniques can help you communicate your boundaries effectively. Techniques such as the "broken record" method, where you calmly and repeatedly state your boundary, can be useful in situations where others may try to push your limits.
7. Respect Others' Boundaries
Respecting others' boundaries is as important as setting your own. When you respect the limits set by others, you create a culture of mutual respect. This reciprocity reinforces the importance of boundaries in maintaining healthy relationships.
My favorite Quotes:
Here are some insightful quotes from authors and thought leaders on the importance of boundaries:
Henry Cloud: "Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership."
Brené Brown: "Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment."
Anne Lamott: "No is a complete sentence."
Paulo Coelho: "When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself."
Christine Morgan: "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously."
Conclusion
Setting and maintaining boundaries is a crucial aspect of building and sustaining healthy relationships. It fosters self-respect, improves interactions, reduces stress, and promotes personal growth. By reflecting on your needs, communicating clearly, being consistent, and seeking support, you can establish boundaries that protect your well-being and nurture positive connections.
Remember, boundaries are not about shutting people out; they are about creating a space where you can coexist harmoniously with others while respecting each other's individuality and needs. As you navigate your relationships, embrace the courage to set boundaries and experience the profound positive impact they can have on your life.
With love,
Shea
Want to work with me to learn this skill? Schedule a discovery call with me HERE.
